This Is A Journal Entry

We’re gonna talk about hospital, surgery, and a bit of bathroom stuff in this post, so if that makes you uncomfortable or squeamish you can definitely skip this one. It’s okay!

Hello. We have some catching up to do, don’t we?

…but where to even begin?

Okay. At the time I began writing this post I’ve been home for a week. My recovery progress so far has been slow and nonlinear, but there has been progress. I’m still uncomfortable a decent amount of the time, but I think it’s better to be uncomfortable at home, where at least I have a dog and cat to pet. I am not in serious pain.

My surgery lasted about six hours that day, and in total I spent nine days in the hospital, well more than we’d anticipated. The surgeons were very happy with their work and assured me they got ‘everything they could see’ of the remaining cancer. Of course, there will be followup testing in the coming weeks and months (and years?) to see if they were right, but it was very nice to hear that they were so confident. I’m also now the owner of a new stoma, an angry-looking but harmless red blob of my actual intestines sticking out of my tummy. And lastly, my uh, original “exit point” has been removed and closed up.

So if the original estimate was 4-6 days in hospital, what took me so long to come home? Well, I suppose there are a lot of factors they watch after a major abdominal surgery, but from what I’ve understood the major points of interest were these: 1.) is my system adapting to the new colostomy bag and 2.) have my midsection and muscles healed enough that it’s safe for me to navigate my own home.

The second part came more easily than the first. There’s a real emphasis on getting up and about after surgery, however briefly, and over the course of my time I went from white-knuckling a walker to shuffling around the hallways on my own power. A physiotherapy nurse also tested my ability to handle stairs. However, I’m still to take things easy at home; for the next 6-8 weeks I’m not supposed to try picking up anything that’s very much heavier than my cat.

The part about the colostomy, well, that’s had ups and downs. I will try not to be too graphic here. A couple of days after the surgery my bowels started to move again, slowly, and the bag began to be filled. Then, on Tuesday night, my body started filling the bag with brown water, over and over. The body’s typical daily output to a colostomy is supposed to be about 1.5L; overnight, I managed 6. (When the doctors made their daily rounds that morning I heard them curse in surprise at my chart — not the reaction you want). So, dehydration became a serious potential issue, and we course-corrected the next day with medications and supplements to try and slow things down. Those worked! Too well! And then acid reflux became a problem, and more sleeplessness ensued.

Things began balancing out toward the end of the week, but each day I was told to stay just a little longer. The logic was that if I went home too soon and things took a turn for the worse again I’d be in the E.R. and then back in hospital after a lot of wasted time. Here, I’m already in the system, settled in, and being minded by medical staff; why not take a bit of extra time now to make sure things are as normal as possible?

I understood this rationally, but it was often difficult and demoralizing to continue being away from my family and home. Lori moved heaven & earth to visit me nearly every day of my stay — love her so much — but mentally I just hadn’t been prepared for “4-6 days of recovery” to stretch into 9. Looking at those numbers now, with some distance, I get that it doesn’t seem like so much more, but my sleepless nights had a bad way of compounding the sadness and anxiety of it all. I went to some dark places in my mind, but I’m working with my CancerCare counselor about it these days.

It wasn’t all bad news. Like I said, Lori visited nearly every day, and other folks stopped by or sent messages of support. Maybe my favourite surprise came from my daughter’s 3rd-grade classroom, who all made me Get Well cards that I got to read when my kids came to visit one day. Most of her classmates don’t really know me, but Cassidy supplied a list of my interests and the cards were very sweet and funny. One of them gave me my new favourite knock-knock joke in the world, and I’m not writing it out here. You’ll have to ask me in person sometime 🙂

The ward of the hospital that I stayed in had been constructed some time ago, and air did not move easily throughout. I am naturally a warm sleeper and this led to some sweaty nights until Nurse Jane found me an oscillating desktop fan. Oscillating Desktop Fan was my BFF, a true sign that things were improving for me. If you ever read this: Thank you, Nurse Jane. Actually, the entire medical staff at St. Boniface were excellent and caring.

I briefly had two different roommates, and actually ended up making a local connection with the family of the second roommate. After that roommate was moved to his own room and I had my room back to myself, I’d frequently see the family in the hallways and we’d remind each other of our prayer support for each other. They were all going through a difficult time together, and I hope things continue to improve for them.

I returned home to three delightful surprises by my daughter; a stuffy from the Super Mario Bros. games, a vase full of handmade paper flowers, and a large, busily-decorated Welcome Home banner. Since then, I’ve been trying to: rest, recuperate, slowly catch up on office work, and contribute where I can in the home. Speaking of the kids, I’m told they were total champs through all of this, and I believe that the prayers & support of our family and communities had a big part to play in holding the household together while I was away.

Going forward: we’re still being very careful about my diet as my system continues to adjust. I need to continue to be careful about my physical and mental limitations as well; after all, I’ve only been home a week. And, just adjusting to this new lifestyle meant I didn’t even want to leave the house until I felt more confident, but I can feel that slowly starting to change. Progress, as I said, is slow, and not in a straight line, and most of all I need grace and patience through setbacks and difficulties. I’ve borne a lot of the events of the past year with courage and good humour, but I have my limits, and the past few weeks have taken me to those limits at times. This isn’t said to inspire pity; I know that there are many in this world who would rather have my circumstances than theirs. But I think it’s also okay for me to say: things have been tough, and will continue to be challenging for the immediate future.

Fortunately, I can try to learn from recent experience that the night eventually ends, and in the cold light of day you’ll wonder how things ever seemed so bad in the first place. And sometimes the right person will come along with a metaphorical oscillating fan that changes everything for the better.

One final note: As far as we know, the main part of my Cancer Journey is now…over! Hooray! But, that means I’ll be reconsidering how often I post. I’ve never had a definite endpoint in mind for this blog, but it’s possible there won’t be much to say for the next couple of months except “still recovering lol”. For now, I’ll still check in with you all next week, but posting frequency may start to slow down after that. I’ll make sure to warn folks 🙂