Treatment Progress Check: As I write this, I’m on day 12 of a 21-day treatment cycle. I’m in the 4th out of 5 cycles. I’ve only got pills for today and tomorrow, then I get some time off, and I’m feeling…pretty okay! This weekend I was able to put up Christmas decorations, go with my family through an interactive Nativity thing in the park, and Lori and I did a Christmas Shopping day in Winnipeg yesterday. I’ve got a short list of tasks to do during my Feel Good week coming up, and then it’s one more IV Chemo treatment and the side effects thereof. Still trying not to overdo things, but as always, I’m grateful to be up and about.
Something that I often think is that I’m doing this journal wrong. Nobody has told me this, of course, and there’s no concrete reason to think so, but I am indeed my own harshest critic and that hasn’t stopped just because of a little thing like having cancer. I may write as though I’m becoming enlightened, and perhaps that’s true in increments, but as a human being on planet earth there’s still a lot of work to do on myself.
Anyway. This journal. I ask myself, and sometimes Lori: “Is it too honest?” or “Is it not honest enough?” or “is my tone too serious? I’m not that serious” or “maybe the tone is too light? this is a difficult subject” and on, and on. I’ve rarely felt entirely happy that I’ve said exactly what I want to say, in exactly the way I want to say it. Thus, I tell myself, I’m doing it wrong. I think I must somehow be misrepresenting myself or my journey to my readers. I’ll be outed as a liar, a fraud. By whom? Don’t know. The Journal Police, I guess. Somebody. It isn’t a rational line of thinking, so the details aren’t always as important as the broad strokes.
When I read this back to myself, of course it sounds ridiculous. There isn’t an objectively correct way to journal one’s way through a cancer experience. There are tips, and guidelines, but I think I’ve got to make my peace with the idea that whatever I write is the thing that needed to be written at the time I wrote it. And, there’s no Journal Police, slowly building a case against me, waiting to pounce.
So, to my inner critic, I say, silence! Even if you think I’m doing it wrong, I’m still gonna do it.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Thanks so much for reading this, and to everybody who leaves lovely comments. You’re all doing your best out there in the world, I’m sure.
I can relate to the “am I doing it wrong?” mentality, I feel similarly about my Instagram at times 🤷🏻♀️ but who decides what is wrong and what is right? I say, you do you. Strong and wrong, loud and proud!
Write whatever you need to. We’re not here to judge you. We’re here to walk with you and support you however we can.
Keep it up Nathan! A good journal is where you allow your inner thoughts to flow into print, and that is just what you are doing. Prayers for you and the family as you continue the journey. Keeps the journals coming and we will keep the prayers going.
Well,I love it!❤️
Keep it up Nathan I am sure it’s not easy but of course my prayers 🙏 are always for you hugs to you
I read your journals as authentic and honest, and I can hear your voice when I read your words. It’s easy to analyze your writing when you’re sharing it with others, but you’re being yourself and that’s about as right as you can get I think!
I think it’s amazing that you are doing this at all. It gives the rest of us the privilege of getting a small glimpse into your journey – it doesn’t matter how you say it, just the sharing at all feels like a gift. We don’t have much personal contact t anymore, but our family still cares about you and loves you so much, I’m just really thankful that you are taking the time to do this so that we can walk alongside you a bit. ❤️
It’s a tough time.prayin for you.not sure how I’d handle it,but always keep hold of Jesus.my key verse is prov.3:5-6.love ya