Easy Mode

Housekeeping

– I’ve done a quick recap post to cover the period of time that used to be on PostHope. It’s back dated to before my first post here. You can read it if you like. August Update: PostHope restored access to my first entries so they are on the site instead, and the recap post has been taken down. — NF

This Past Week

I completed my first round of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, and I got to ring the surprisingly heavy bell! I’m feeling great and everything will be fine forever.

Well, no. While I was pleased to be done with my daily radiation trips, I can’t quite exhale yet. I’m still dealing with the side effects (painful and bloody bathroom trips, mild nausea, fatigue) and I expect I will for another week or two before things start to heal. I can’t think about the future too much; my focus has come down to just getting through each day.

Which isn’t to say that my days are entirely miserable — in between the trouble I’m still able to find moments of joy and connection. Or even just normalcy, like having energy to fix something around the house. And! At the moment I write this it’s Sunday night, and I don’t have to ride to Winnipeg tomorrow, and I don’t have to take nasty pills tomorrow morning.

But, like I said, I can’t quite exhale. Yet.

Something else on my mind this week has been the very common way we talk about dealing with cancer: that it’s a Battle or a Fight. You might have noticed that I’ve tended to avoid talking about my own situation that way, choosing more often to say ‘journey’ or similar.

I’ve preferred ‘journey’ since well before my own diagnosis, after my mom died seven years ago. I didn’t like the implication that she was a ‘loser’ in the battle, or hadn’t ‘fought’ hard enough.

I think the language we use is shifting and a simple Google search turns up a lot of articles about this change, but Battling is still something I have had mentioned to me more than once. And like, no shame or judgement on those folks! If that is the metaphor that seems appropriate to you, go for it. Tell me to “kick cancer’s butt!” and I will happily accept the support. But I look at my day-to-day right now and think — this doesn’t feel like a Fight to me, it’s really just surviving.

And: I think the Fight and Battle imagery downplays the role of family, friends, and community in getting through something like this. I’m not the only person affected by this, and I’m not facing it alone, as a fighter might face an enemy.

Anyway. Sound off in the comments if you disagree, or don’t, because I don’t need that kind of drama in my life right now lol

Looking Ahead

From what I understand I’ll have until mid-September to recuperate, and then chemotherapy round 2 will begin. What will look like I don’t know. There may be more visits and testing between now and then as well. For the moment, I get to just be.