First, a quick note in case you missed it: I made a post with the details for our upcoming fundraiser, as well as a way to donate online if you can’t make it in person! The post is here!
I briefly mentioned, a few posts ago, that last year’s radiation treatments and daily trips to Winnipeg had been on my mind. That’s intensified as we’ve gotten further into July, and I’ve had to be patient with myself as emotions have come and gone.
One reaction that surprised me was about a certain pair of shorts. I liked to insist to my kids that “shorts don’t exist”, partly to troll them and partly because I basically never wore shorts anyway. In a stunning victory for them, I finally conceded that shorts DO exist and bought a pair to keep comfy on the summer drives to Winnipeg.
After months of languishing in the closet, a couple of weeks ago I put them on again to take my daughter to her swimming lessons on a hot day. Even though I was driving and the circumstances were quite different, I noticed within a few minutes setting that I now hated the shorts. I wanted to get out of them as soon as possible. Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long to change at home, and the shorts were donated shortly thereafter.
Another wave of emotion came from a more recent trip to Winnipeg. I have been in and out of the city several times since my treatments and surgery, and navigating the city for various reasons has not been troublesome. In this case however, I needed to make a stop at the CancerCare Manitoba Foundation offices for our lemonade stand supplies. And, those offices are directly across the street from where I would go for radiation treatments.
Most of the drive in felt okay. I had an audiobook to distract me, so even though it was a hot and mildly cloudy day and I was copying my route to treatments I didn’t think too much of it. Things started to feel weird when I stopped at a certain gas station to use the bathroom, which is a stop I made often in those days. Looking at myself in the mirror there, on a day like that day, felt…weird, for lack of a better term. Mildly uncomfortable.
What made things more uncomfortable was going from there and continuing to copy my treatment route. Against the backdrop of a July day, I started to see many of the landmarks and waypoints I’d clocked every day back than. It wasn’t a flood, but a steady stream of memories; conversations with drivers, of events surrounding those trips, of treatments themselves and the way I felt. It wasn’t destabilizing, thank goodness, and I felt I could still safely operate my car, or I’d have pulled over and stopped. On the other hand it was still A Lot, and as I got nearer and nearer I had to start repeating to myself, out loud: You’re okay. This is not that time. Now is not then.
If I hadn’t latched on to that idea, and remembered to breathe, I probably would have had to pull over eventually. As it was I made it to my destination without incident. (I’ll admit that now, as then, finding street parking in the vicinity of the Health Sciences Centre is a real challenge. Some things stay the same)
I’m not surprised by my reactions to the trip, and to my old shorts. I am a little surprised at their strength, and I wonder if this sort of thing will keep happening, but I think I’ve weathered the worst of that particular storm for now. I’m extremely grateful that Now is Not Then, and that I’ve survived all the worst days of my life so far; I also noticed, in the stream of memories on my drive, an enormous sense of gratitude to the drivers and other folks who helped us out during treatments last year. I decided, before I’d even parked the car, that I was going to go through my driver list and message or otherwise contact everybody once again to say thanks. (The project is still ongoing but I’m nearly done). That’s been a really positive exercise.
The following is a message from cassidycat. She would like you to read it aloud.
cassidycat is the G.O.A.T AND SHE IS AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TREES ARE AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUG A TREE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CATS ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! HUG A MAILBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUG A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This concludes the message. Thank you for your attention.
