Taking Inventory

Treatment Progress Check: As I write this I’m on Day 4 of a 21-day cycle. Currently I have completed 3 out of 5 cycles. I think I’ve gone and confused myself as to when a cycle is done or not, and I’m sorry if I’ve confused you too. I am currently in the midst of the 4th cycle. I’m getting a little better at understanding the rhythms of when I’ll feel good and when not; for instance, the first day after IV treatment is a Day where I Feel Great But It’s A Lie. For the first three cycles I’d feel really good on that second day but overdo things and my energy levels would crash the next day. This week I’ve seen it for what it is and made sure to take it very easy on myself that day — I really think it helped. It’s a little too bad that it’s taken this long to understand the rhythms, but right now it feels like most things in life change when you’ve just started to truly understand them.

There’s something I’ve been a little obsessed with for most of this journey, like since May. It’s the opening to the show Mad Men:

I haven’t actually watched the show in years and years, but many times, as I’d be lying in bed trying to sleep, the song or the image of the man falling would show up and play out. Over and over.

I’m not going to try and pretend this goes any deeper than you’d think, just by looking at it. The man has his life seemingly together, and then everything collapses and he falls seemingly endlessly. Sort of like having the rug pulled out from under you with a diagnosis. It makes sense that my mind would latch on to that as a way of visualising how I was feeling. (It also helps that the drums are great — but they’re not part of the metaphor, I don’t think)

I just note it because it’s interesting to me that my brain pulled this out of storage and chose to dwell on it, again, not having watched Mad Men in at least a decade.

This cycle I’ve been trying to focus on what I still have. Looking around the chemo treatment area during my last treatment really drove home what I can still be thankful for; hopefully not in a pitying way of the others, but like I said, as a reminder of what I’ve got going for me even now. I get to keep my hair, for instance! I feel slightly vain every time I say it, but my thick hair has always been a point of pride, and it would’ve just added more mental weight to the adjustment of treatments.

Also, I can move under my own power, and in a pinch, I could even drive myself to and from appointments. Not everybody can say that. I spend a pretty decent amount of time napping (especially in the past few days) but I’m not absolutely wiped out by sickness or fatigue. I even got to lead a song in church this morning and feel good about my voice. It was a bit challenging to move around — I do feel weak these days — but I’m pleased that my voice and mind are still in working order.

(At least — I think my mind works? Maybe this is all rambling nonsense lol)

A quick summary of the events ahead; I’m scheduled to do my last IV chemo treatment on December 3, taking pills until the 17th and being able to stop all this treatment stuff just in time for Christmas. Nice! A recent phone call with my surgeon indicated we’d do another round of imaging in mid-to-late January to see how the treatments did; however, regardless of how it looks I’m hearing that there’s still going to be a strong recommendation for surgery. They explained that imaging isn’t perfect and your *ahem* ‘back door’ is really not a place you want cancer to reoccur, so, the suggestion is likely to be that we throw the baby out with the proverbial bathwater.

That will create a whole ‘nother series of challenges that will keep me blogging well into the next year, I expect.

At least I won’t have to take a dozen chemotherapy pills daily!