Pillcrastination

Treatment Progress Check: I am on day 10 of a 21-day Xelox cycle. Currently I have completed 0 out of 5 cycles. Side-effect wise, the cold sensitivity has backed way off and I’m doing much better most days.

This Past Week

I take a lot of pills these days. Six at breakfast and six at dinner for my chemotherapy, not to mention anti-nausea, vitamins, and Immodium as needed. Every day, just looking at or interacting with the chemo pills makes my stomach turn, just a little, and I found I was really coming to resent them. Partly I think it’s understandable, because it’s hard to take medicine that you know will make you feel noticeably worse throughout your day. I decided I needed to try and focus on the long-term good, or this is bound to be an extremely long and needlessly difficult next few months.

So! A few mornings ago I decided to try something new. I looked down at the little bowl of pills I had set out for myself and I said, aloud, “thank you, pills.” I felt a bit silly doing it, but I tried to mean it, and I’m going to keep saying it or something in the neighbourhood. I gotta keep up the hope that these things are making me feel a bit worse for a good reason. But! Even trying for positive vibes, I still find I put off taking them a little bit every single time. Of course I get to them eventually, so maybe my pill-crastination is the next thing to work on.

Something else that Lori and I were discussing is whether or not all this — and I’m gesturing to like, everything that’s been happening to me since May — is easier or not with small children in our lives. It’s a little bit impossible to know. We only know the waters we’re swimming in right now, and can’t peer into other timelines…yet. So the discussion is purely academic, but I found, like the pills, I was stuck on the ways in which things were more difficult. Having to expend energy parenting when I want to rest, or (like I wrote about last time) having to endure squabbling when I feel my problems eclipse theirs.

In talking about it, though, Lori reminded me if they weren’t around we’d miss out on the good things too; moments of sweetness, light, and levity. My daughter’s artwork and encouraging notes. My son’s pure, gleeful laugh as I tickle him on the living room floor. The way that trying to enrich their days means I can’t just sit around and wallow in gloom; I get to get up and go outside, or do arts and crafts, or just see things from another perspective than my own, and get out of my own head for a minute.

Okay so yeah, “parent says kids are good, actually” isn’t headline news. Fortunately I’m not trying to convince anyone other than myself.

Looking Ahead

In a couple of days I get a weeklong break from the pills before diving into the next cycle, which I’m looking forward to. The break, not the cycle. Also, I got asked about a pretty neat opportunity that I won’t describe just yet because I need to make sure it can actually happen. (If not, I’ll mention it next time, anyway).